The Witch’s Stones

we'll be there someday dear, even if it's as corpses washed up on the shore...

i seem to get worse at dealing with people the more meds i take. my anxiety is gone, but maybe a little anxiety is a good thing. i've been cutting down on the benzos, and i have more expression in my face and eyes now - people were looking at me like i was a psycho - my face just felt completely dead. and as far as relationships go, i don't seem to feel anything, which isn't good. i see my psychiatrist in a week or so, so i'll see what he says.

in any case, i'm sorry i've been such a bad friend, if my readers are still there. i understand if you just can't deal with me anymore - i would have given up on myself a long time ago. please go on with your lives, i wish you well.

skyfall

i saw skyfall tonight, the latest james bond movie, and it had some gorgeous scenery as they drove along the a9 in scotland, up through the highlands. then along smaller roads, till they ended up at this isolated old house in the middle of nowhere. it was eerily like this story i was writing (last year already?), about a girl driving up the a9, then her car dying, and walking to an old house. i just wasn't quite sure what the a9 looked like, if it was a big highway or what. it probably is. which spoils it. but it was heading towards the point in scotland that was closest to the faroe isles. which was the point. as i remember it.

so why is there no picture of all this amazing scenery here then? because i'm about to fall asleep.

i miss you blog. i shall try to write more often.

the electric v

back in 1984 when we first had a cd player, my dad got a cd, the electric v, and some years later i came across it and listened to it. it's a kind of reworking of vivaldi's four seasons. i really liked it, so he let me have it, but it was only one of the two cd set - i found the other online used. it's been out of print since 1984, as far as i can tell.

the music is reworked in different ways, and he adds sound texture to some tracks - birds chirping, rain and thunder, leaves crunching underfoot, a dog barking, a bell tolling. and the track titles are imaginative - the electric bird, the movie, the glass bead game, idyll (with birds), the san marco sequence, dancing (at crystal palace).

he only has one other cd that i'm aware of, called transforming v: variations on vivaldi. i found it used as well. it has titles like this game (round for four alienated players), balancing the night, silent journey, the minimal event, landscape with chime, music for a small room, sea the soul.

i uploaded this song from the electric v to youtube, the meditation, from summer - it's 11 minutes but is good as background music. or foreground. the painting by brian froud seems to go along with it.

the only other wilbrandt song on youtube was this one, the movie, from spring.

anyway, i find his music inspiring. i just wish he had made more.

the golden tarot

i used to have a tarot deck, but i would get spooked out about getting bad cards, and i wasn't crazy about the artwork. so i got rid of it some years ago. but recently i felt like doing some tarot readings. i found this deck online, the golden tarot, and ordered it. it's made of parts of medieval/renaissance paintings put together on the computer. i put some cards above (pardon the reflections/poor contrast).

i've done one reading so far, and it was about as grim as i expected. but i figured i can view it as a warning, or a challenge - like, can you avert this fate? or else, as some kind of consolation. to put an underlying story to life, to give it some meaning.

i also wrote last night for the first time in some weeks. i told myself, i am going to turn into dust unless i do something creative - my life will have been meaningless. i hope i will be able to keep it up. i'm looking forward to writing again tonight, which is a good sign anyway.

cardboard box robot

for a recent computer graphics project, we had to make a stick figure that played some motion capture data (where someone does some actions wearing a bunch of position sensors). we could do various things for extra credit, so i made him into a cardboard box robot. he gets pushed around a lot. the purple boxes i just threw in there - he can walk through them.

the cardboard doesn't look very good - i was hoping for something more realistic. but something like below is probably out of reach for real time rendering, at least for a while.

a drawing

i have this little sketchbook, 4x6" or so, and tonight felt like drawing something. it's something i was trying to paint last fall and it went nowhere. it's not much, but it was fun to do, and it makes me want to do more.

her body is too big though. i might keep working on it. i had started to fill in the folds on the dress, but it seemed like it was distracting from the rest of the picture. but it looks kind of blank now. and i might add a tree in the window.

 

the reference is jane morris, photographed by dante gabriel rossetti -

ray tracing

for the next assignment in one of my classes we're going to be doing ray tracing. it's where you trace the path of the light rays to draw a scene. they won't be as nice as these, though - we're not doing soft shadows. these look almost like paintings.

tattoos

some tattoos, collected over the years...

a bird and a cage

ultraviolet ink

constellations
(actually it looks like she was playing connect the dots with her moles, but still)

a trail of birds

 

 

 

 

 

 

and finally, a 7-circuit labyrinth -
it would make a nice tattoo...

i am a table

i stumbled across this band through my brightest diamond's mailing list, who is apparently going to tour with christine and the queens. christine is the only member - she's a fake transvestite who holds a pair of scissors on stage.

someday i want to go to france and tour the museums and countryside and seasides. i need to learn french.

new tunes

i came across this on youtube, i don't know how. it's the gentle waves. i like some other of their songs also. this video has a very low volume, but it just contributes to the strange atmosphere of the song.  

p.s. that was a long gap between posts. i didn't mean to go so long. i've been busy with school starting and everything. 

p.p.s. i've had the best day in months, probably since last may. all these dark clouds finally lifted a bit. there is some sunlight showing through. i know it won't last, but i'm enjoying it while it's here. 

bach concert

last weekend we went to a bach harpsichord concert, and before they started they showed this clip from a movie about bach. it's a crazy harpsichord solo. (skip ahead to 3 mins)

later they played this piece with two harpsichords and a small orchestra - 

it was most fun to see the individual instruments being played, like the cello and the double bass (my favorites).

i also admire the dedication to their craft the musicians show - it takes a lot of practice to get to be as good as they are. but then, once there, they get to travel around the world and play in interesting places. it would be a nice life. i can only wish i had such talent and dedication when i was young. i would have wanted to play the cello. i nearly did take lessons in college, but there was something about needing to be a music major to do so. i did get to play one once though, and the sound it made was incredible. i do want to get one someday, just to play around with.

christmas gifts

a garlic, knit by my cousin emily. it repels vampires.

a cat made by my mom, on top of a quilt she made in 1973. which is appropriate, as it looks kind of like something from the 70s. which i love.

a night

we met my brother's friend at an antique store that his friend's friend owned. we admired a john lennon circa sgt pepper's jacket. i bought a doors cd for $1. my brother bought a belt buckle that spelled "bitch" and a marx brothers pin. his girlfriend bought a people magazine from 1981 with lindsay wagner on the cover. we had dinner at the galaxy cafe, next to an ice cream store called lick, then went to a bar and played shuffleboard. the only thing on the jukebox was country music.

the only problem

the only problem with this band is their music keeping me up at night because i can't bear to stop it.

it's been a while since i've felt that way. it's welcome.

christmas eve

the plan was to have tumbleweeds (ice cream + kahlua + creme de cacao) and a giant dessert party, and watch old home movies, which had just been unearthed after being hidden away in a box for 5 years.

but then aunt l and cousin e got sick. and w and s's arrival drew ever later. a glass was dropped. a dish wouldn't reheat.

well, topper was watched in the meantime. an old black and white movie - a banker has his world turned upside down by two ghosts, one of whom he runs away with for a while.

that was my favorite part of the evening, a strange ghost/love/redemption story. and the tumbleweeds.

in the wild wood

by edward burne-jones and william morris, from the well at the world's end, 1896.

december

the whole month of december is like christmas. everything goes dark and cold. it's beautiful.

an evening hour

i'm on the 11th version of the plot for the ghost of the weed garden. it's getting there, slowly. this song came on when i was working on it tonight, and it was fitting. the ghost is in a very desolate place - nothing will grow there, the fields are dead, the well is tainted, and no one lives there anymore.

contusion

bruised fruit

broken hour

the petals wilt and fall

from the flower

magnolia white

lead me down tonight

the stars will sparkle

glittering light

bruised flower

melting sun

fall to rest in my arms

lead me down to sleep

a small sleep,

deep in stone,

silent, dark,

alone

from 1997, with some editing